Ways to honor the dead

In order to fill the empty hole in my heart I went on a search for something to make me feel better, while keeping Zilla close to me.

I have some thoughts on making memory jewelry, but with my jewelry supplies already packed for the move, it was necessary to explore other's work and ideas out there.
I found some interesting memorial type things that are different. I like different...I am not a person that wants something because 10 other people have it.
Here's some links to the more creative memorial objects I found....

http://www.specialtypetproducts.com/Merchant2/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=MDT&Product_Code=PRJ

http://www.foreverpets.com/product_info.php?cPath=42&products_id=775&osCsid=93d0cdd11ee98a52a851d38bd7908cfc

http://www.4pawsforever.org/catalog.php?item=213&catid=44&ret=catalog.php%3Fcategory%3D44

http://www.tspetmemorials.com/tearbottles.html

http://www.ashestoashes.com/Paw_print_cremation_jewelry.htm

http://www.pet-gems.com/default.asp

http://memoryglass.com/

On the Costco web site I also found a link to upload and have your own picture put on canvas for hanging. I like that idea as well.
There are as many options as there is time to web surf...
I got a sterling bracelet with Zilla's name engraved on it.

My kids are unhappy that I miss one cat more than others. They feel that somehow because I loved Zilla so much, it makes me have loved the others less. Even though they are essentially adults, the explanation that I can love one pet more than another, while still loving all of them, is not a concept they seem to understand.
I also worry that they are becoming too accepting of the cat's deaths. Granted, we've lost too many not to start to get numb, but I hope I'm not creating something here I will be sorry for later on. Of course the kids have always been around hospice type animals since we've always opened our home to those that others didn't want, many with medical problems.
They are very loving and helpful to all the pets.

Zilla died in my arms Christmas eve. I had sat in the bed most of day watching Tv and just holding her.
It's been two months and my heart still aches and her place is still empty in my bed.

I have so many unanswered questions. So many if onlys...and they continue to plague me. I spend endless hours trying to find answers to questions that could possibly effect the other cats still with me. The only thing I am sure of, is that the answers I seek are just not out there.

The research being currently pursued is in my opinion pointless. Even if the genetic markers are isolated and identified, there will not be a practical treatment resulting from this research. Genetic treatments are being used with some cancers now quite successfully, but let's be realistic here...Not only is it unlikely this will product a treatment, but even if it did, who could possibly afford it?
I can't even imagine the cost of a specific cat genetic treatment.
I really can't respect research just for the sake of research. There are real people, and real cats out there that need real treatments. This disease is for all intents and purposes 100% fatal....
it makes someone like me just want to scream in utter frustration, while my cats die around me.
DO I care too much? have somehow the cats become too important?...I just don't think that is the case. I think it is when people don't care enough there is a problem, but I am tired of all questions and no answers.

In the spring when we have moved, I will bury Zilla in a new garden I will create for her. Somehow I wish I was getting more comfort from that thought then I am.
I hope I am not losing perspective...or is that my mind??

Zilla

Here's a picture of Zilla and Twittens on my bed.

(that's Puff's back you see in the background)

I recently read a very scientific article that leads me to believe that allowing the cats to all stay together may have caused further exposure to some of the cats. I am not sure. The article is very difficult to understand even with my science background.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19122397?ordinalpos=1&itool=EntrezSystem2.PEntrez.Pubmed.Pubmed_ResultsPanel.Pubmed_DefaultReportPanel.Pubmed_RVDocSum

IF this is true, then the question is, did I make a bad choice? should I have them all segregated into rooms? Would that stress caused more FIP as well? Whom would I have put where to ease their stress? IT presents more questions then it answers.

I can't answer those questions, though the guilt I feel is substantial.

I know this though...there is good and evil in this world, and this disease is evil, however if there was actually a devil, then he really missed an opportunity, as I would have given anything to keep Zilla.
I have never missed a pet like I miss her.
I have never felt like throwing myself on the floor and pounding and screaming at the unfairness, and yet, this is how I feel about losing Zilla.
I love all my cats, and I try and love them all the same, but some are just special. Zilla was very special, and not just because she was a bottle baby, I've hand raised quite a few kittens in the last 25 years. And she certainly was not the most affectionate, she was spunky and demanding.
Had to have things her way...I even cleaned out the bottom glass shelf in my display case in the bedroom, because she liked to sit in there and eat all by herself. Eat the chicken and turkey babyfood and homecooked poultry that were the few things she'd eat. Though she did nibble on a little dry as well.

FIP article

http://veterinarycalendar.dvm360.com/avhc/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=562412&pageID=1&sk=&date=

This is a good article. It explains things in a way I think most lay people can understand, while still giving some of the science.

I'll continue to post links to articles I think are worth reading from time to time.

the blood results in a view

I was browsing the blogs tonight in between doing Ebay, and I found this blog and lab work explanation. It is done very well and addresses the balance of the lab results I haven't posted.
(yep, totally the easy way out, but I am trying to get moved...)

I will address the differences and important results in regards to FIP in conclusion however.

http://vettechs.blogspot.com/2005/04/blood-test-results.html

because FIP can be difficult to diagnose with tests alone, and some vets rarely see it, it is sometimes mistaken for something else, and something else is sometimes mistaken for FIP.

Clear diagnostic testing will someday hopefully be available, but to some extent I doubt it. The why is because IF the experts are correct and the mutation of the non lethal to lethal virus occurs within each cat, then there will never be an accurate "standard" because each mutated virus will simply be a little different. This is also why I am not encouraged that there will ever be a practical cure. But neither am I convinced that the experts are completely correct either.

Signs and symptoms of FIP:
1.swollen belly that feels like a balloon of water.
fluid withdrawn from the belly can be from clear to pale yellow to urine colored. It is thready and sticky to the touch.
2. loss of weight, starting between shoulder blades with the weight feeling like it is just dropping off the cat, until the cat has lost so much weight, they also lose all their muscle
3. rear leg weakness
4. wobbly walking
5. seizures
6. severe lethargy
7. jaundice
8.albumin/globulin ration of <0.4 FIP cats can frequently keep eating until the very end.
I have observed cats die within 3 days of starting to look sick, and I have cats now that have looked sick for 6+ months.
Nothing I have tried worked, but in the last 18 months, I have observed things that have helped. Extended my time with the cats. However, and I will be honest here, in extending my time with the cats, I am causing myself additional stress and pain. SO for those who choose to euthanize right at the begining, this is one of the few times I completely understand.

through the looking glass

Sometimes it really takes an odd event to make you question a decision.
I went to visit my sister for a few days. Now, I never leave the animals. Ever...so truthfully I expected the dogs to be bad and the cats to be pissy...(yes pissy...as in pissed off, pissed on, and pissed in your shoes...) It's a cat's favorite form of punishment and those of us who are honest about living with cats, have experienced such delights as cat pissy fits.
However, much to my surprise, then extreme concern, the cats seemed perfectly fine, as if my kids had paid so much attention to them, they didn't even notice I was gone. And I allowed myself to be deluded into thinking such a thing. Until about 5am this morning when I was awakened by a loud crash. That crash was the fishtank I raise mice in. SO here I am rushing around to gather up the mice....I never even stopped to think what I was doing. They are after all raised for the cats to eat...all the cats had done was get "take out" on their own....never the less, I rescued up the mice that were not already being consumed and fixed up the tank, swept up the spilled bedding and eventually went back to bed.
This evening I managed to rescue one more little mouse that was hiding out under the fridge. I still can't even really answer why....I do feed the cats, and my snake these mice...and I do feed them live sometimes, yet I found the whole "help" yourself thing a little distasteful.

I first started adding mice into the cat's diet at least 6 months ago when I was trying food to combat the FIP. I still believe strongly in the power of food (ie: proper nutrional intake for cats is all meat, since they are obligate carnivores and require no other food).
However I have to face the fact that I do feel somewhat attached to the mice.

This exerpt from wikipedia explains it very well.....

Obligate carnivores

This tiger's sharp teeth and strong jaws are the classical physical traits expected from carnivorous mammalian predators

An obligate or true carnivore is an animal that must eat meat in order to survive.^[1] Hypercarnivores present specialized dentition for a meat-only diet. They may consume other products presented to them, especially animal products like eggs and bone marrow or sweet sugary substances like honey and syrup, but, as these items are not essential, they do not consume these on a regular basis. True carnivores lack the physiology required for the efficient digestion of vegetable matter, and, in fact, some carnivorous mammals eat vegetation specifically as an emetic. The domestic cat is a prime example of an obligate carnivore, as are all of the other felids.

It does make me question the raising your own food dilema once again, but that can't be bad. I am personally not a vegetarian and do eat meat, and do not always question it's source, even though I am well aware that the way our own food animals are handled is not humane most of the time.

I do hand the mice in the most humane way possible, they are housed and fed extremely well. And I will try in the future to source my own meat more carefully when possible.

In the meantime so we don't have any more driveby looting on the mouse tank, the tank is now bunged to the stand.

And I will check my shoes in the am.....just can't trust those frisky sneaky felines.

Way off topic rant

today's rant is way off topic....

Do you ever notice how you just have something exactly like you have it, then bam...something changes and it's just not the same. Most of the time, it can be within our control to change it back, but sometimes it just isn't.
I was reminded again today how we need to appreciate things that we enjoy, or that we are comfortable with, because you just never know when you are going to have to adapt to something new.
Sometimes it's a new receptionist at your Dr.'s office, or a different clerk at the pharmacy. It's not always something that makes you sit up and say...."wow" hate these changes...time for a new dentist, or eye doctor, but then, sometimes it is a culmination of little things...things that add up over time. Makes you consider a change you had never even given thought to.

SO, I say...go out and appreciate something that pleases you, something that makes your life easier, because life is in motion and nothing no matter how hard we'd like it to stays the same.
Sometimes change is NOT good. Sometimes it makes us wish for things they way they were. Reverse progress, it's not a good thing.
http://video.google.com/videosearch?client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&channel=s&hl=en&q=paved+paradise+and+put+up+a+parking+lot&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=zlmRSZbOC9KgtwfR4JzTCw&sa=X&oi=video_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title#